What being a woman is for me.

What beauty is in there to hold on to your childhood? To hold on to something which is gone, is to "be the native of No Land". People say they don't want to grow up, they want to be still a kid they were. But what good will it do? Beauty is in to flow with the current. If you are on a journey and , childhood was a beautiful country, why you want to stuck up there, the next station may be as beautiful as the last was. 

When I was still a teen, friends would tease as to, oh you have become an aunty ;  ah what crap! you want to marry ; oh there is no fun to celebrate at home.. and so and so... pub, dance, drink, hang-outs, movie, multiplexes, chatting, messaging were the highlights and of course " I want to make a boy friend was a pet dialogue". But would it seem proper to behave the same when you are twenty two? 

At the beginning of my teen, I was almost rebellious and my pet dialogue was-" I hate society". If society thought I should dress up like a girl, I would wear faded jeans and take a boy-cut hair style. At the end of my teen, I thought, the youth is superb, it should never end, I wanted to be as Ir-Responsible, as Careless , as 'Never-Mind' as I can. I craved for an Escape. My fantasies knew no bound. I counted experiences as I counted friends. I wanted More and More and More of all things under the sun. At one moment, I wanted to Live fullest, and just another, I wanted to Die. I suffered from mood-swings. But still, I wanted to be a Girl and I thought Marriage would end it all, staying with parents will kill my Freedom. 

And then there came a moment. I don't know when it came. I can't exactly trace it. But it came slowly and only right now I can talk about it. I couldn't even tell or rather admit this to my friends that now a days, I feel like a woman. Why? What changed? How it happened?  All of these questions can be clubbed into one question - What being a woman is for me? 

So, What being a woman is for me? 

Being a woman is like being a mother. It happens. It is a subtle thrilling feeling. It is miraculous. You become aware of your Wholeness. Remember, 'whole' comes from the same root as 'holy'. You don't care about the contrary opinions. You just listen to them and being unable to make them understand, you just smile and go on. Being a woman doesn't mean you have grown old, dull or boring. But you have opened yourself to the new experiences. It only happens to those who flow with current. Who do not cling to anything 'good or bad'. Who are Natural like trees who do  not stop to grow taller or become fatter, like river who do not say, I don't want to run out of this city. Being a woman is, to humbly accept the responsibilities. And certainly, a woman's responsibilities are much more than hat of a man. A man can, to some extent, afford to be irresponsible but a woman can not. 

A woman is made differently. A man can experience only a few body reactions inside, but to a woman, a whole new world opens up inside. To, what is considered Impurity from Divinity , she experiences all inside her. For me being a woman is, to have immense faith, devotion, tolerance and patience. Only a woman can take all into her being and still have her integrity. When a girl realizes her woman-self, she turns into the most graceful being. 

A Thousand Splendid Suns

"Learn this now and learn it well, my daughter : Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always. You remember that, Mariam." 

A good story is never good until it carries universal truth, or at least a learned truth.

The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini were on my list from long. But I believe 'a time' comes for all things on the earth, for all dreams, there is a time. And finally few days ago, I picked up the later one. The war was a distant thing in my mind until I read the somber account of Afganistan War and the way the lives of two women turned upside down. Loss is as much a reality as Life and Love. After reading the story , I feel a kind of guilty and ashamed for I had enjoyed making up stories of loss and deaths in my mind. It was stupidly sadistic.
The story is undoubtedly impressive and interesting and one obvious thing that makes it so is , a gleam of Hope, that shines unflinchingly throughout the novel. Optimism is contagious. And moreover, it is today's Necessity.

The title is taken from a poem composed by Saeb-e-Tabrizi, a Seventeenth century Persian poet. The original lines are translated in English by Dr. Josephine Davis and they are so beautiful.

One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs,
Or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls.

A thousand splendid suns, a hope unflinching, Mariam finds peace in the eternal words of Koran , " Allah is the East and the West, therefore where ever you turn there is Allah's purpose." These words also help sustaining hope in her utterly hopeless life.How ironical, when Mariam gets pregnant she recites these words and thinks that God brought her here for He had reserved this gift for her. Only towards the end she gets to understand that the real purpose of her life and the reason why Allah brought her in Kabul, in Rashid's life, in Laila's life was something more pious and more grave. ...so seeking the purpose of our life is an innocent act of mere ignorance. Just having faith in God and his purposes is significant.

P.S. Looking forward to grab a copy of The Kite Runner.

On Corruption

Whoo!! Everybody is talking of corruption these days as if it exists somewhere on the chouraha in the form of a monument or is found in the sink of your kitchen. Of course I support Anna Hazare but is that only enough? Supporting a cause is fine but only if you think two feet below you would know implementation of a law can curb the surface corruption of people's activity but it wont cut the roots in their mind. Their desires will not end. People are diseased whatever the reason be : poverty, greed, lust and so on and so forth. From a bhikari to rikshawalah to govt officer and big corporate tycoons everyone is corrupted. 

Corruption is nothing but the absence of Honesty. Yesterday a Rickshawalah took 30bucks hardly for crossing the lane. It just shook me deeply somewhere. What an irony. People are fighting with Govt for abolition of corruption and what the men themselves practice for their benefits. No , corruption is not somewhere inherent in the Kursi or A.C its in the mind , mind of people , irrespective of their country , caste , class and gender. 


 And its not only about the corruption for monetary benefits , the worms of corruption has eaten away the moral values of people in every part of daily life. So lets just pray and hope unto death that the sky will be more clear one day that the hearts of people will be more innocent and childlike. 
(Image source: Google Images)

My dear Anna...

I was mere an adolescent when I first read a Tolstoy’s story. It was a remarkable story about a wife’s dream of her husband who has snow white hairs instead of black which sadly comes true at the end. This fictional dream hunted me for long.

Mystery of dreams and intuitions always engage my deepest attention. I still remember how I had felt after reading Tolstoy’s story .  And same I felt again after reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. For me , this epic fiction oscillates between a super-realistic dream and an awareness of corporeal world and human relations.

 

Though being world’s greatest fiction it deals with every aspect of mundane life but what really attracted me was psychological struggles of major characters. Where Lenin strives for Katie’s love and later to feel God’s blessings , Alexei suffers and tries to overcome the blow on his sophisticated social life. Dolly chooses to accept her husband’s character as a philanderer and thus lives a spurious life like other major characters except Anna. Anna doesn’t love her husband and later begins to feel for Count Vronsky. She spurns to live a double life as offered by her husband who doesn’t really care whom her wife loves but wants to save his reputation. But Anna can not sacrifice her honesty and so chooses to be an outcast by living with Vronsky without a formal divorce with her husband.

“Can one ever tell anyone what one’s feeling?” Anna asks to herself towards the end. And this question can pose more somber one in a reader’s mind, “Can one ever know anyone ? Or even oneself?”  … “the struggle for existence and hatred is the one thing that holds men together. No it’s a useless journey you are making.”  Anna is talking to herself. Human relations and the motives behind one’s action are very intricate to understand. Self-interest , consciously or unconsciously overshadows love most of the times.

We perished , each alone ,

But I beneath a rougher sea… (As Mr. Ramsay mumbles in To The Lighthouse)

And yet why should the life be ended like this? Why our faith should diminish when hope is a lifeline given to us by God? The novel ends along with Levin’s struggle. After Anna’s episode is left unresolved and romantically ended , it is through Levin Tolstoy gives the Mantra to his deserving reader. But that mantra is like a precious gem which reader must seek and bring out himself . 

P.S. -

To my Anna , 

 Immoral , moral , or beyond that (as my teacher used to say – nothing is moral or immoral) , my Anna I don’t judge you , will never. Because I know you listened to your heart and did what you needed to do because you could have never done otherwise. Only human eyes see tragedy otherwise there is no such thing called a tragedy. Life goes on , and there is an afterlife and so on and so forth…we born ,  we learn , we perish and only wisdom we carry with us… you also did , I am sure… and you have won my heart my dear Anna...

Of the most poetic times : Young mind and Old age

Old Age is degrading

Big Brother is watching you. No its not political. Its completely familial. Our big brother is our Granddad. His eyes always follow us where ever we go. He fusses over little inconveniences and its completely natural. But what seems unnatural to us is , that he is always agitated. He keeps mala (for chanting) in one hand , ram naam on his lips but his eyes always wander about room and sometimes we suspect they follow us to our bedrooms also. Why someone who is on brink of his life should be so restless? Couldn't he even gather enough peace in his heart all his life?

Once when I was sitting beside him , as it is an order from our parents , as soon as I saw that he is fast asleep , slowly I was trying to stand up from my 'Hot Seat' , and not an inch I must have stood up that he opened his hollow eyes , reminding me of this famous tag from Orwell's classic Nineteen Eighty Four , "Big brother is watching you."

I am sorry if I make it seem flippant. It is serious for us , for him. I overheard today my mom dad's conversation. No , rather just an observation. Dad said  (indicating Gdad's helpless condition) , " This is hell." " Yes. It is only heaven till our hands and legs are working." , replied Mom. And I , who was too removed from psychic state of my parents , got to confront it rather too harshly. They are moving toward old age. Too slowly or too fast , this only they know. But they seem too old all of a sudden when they talk like this. I am no seven year old , and so I must understand what all I am seeing and listening.

These days are so poetic. Strange but true. And the poetry is that of old age and death. I don't like to call it a dirge (death song). Individuals interpret it their own way. And moreover , death is better than Old Age. A common notion shared by all of us. Except Gdad , I suppose. He is in love with medicines as a poet is in love with his muse. His words ditch his desires - 'Bas ab toh bhagwan utha le... ' and after five minutes , ' Arey Omez (calcium tablet) dena...'

Its okay , we all say. One can't help it at such times. And such times make one all the more a religious thinker. Its been hardly three days I have come at home and I am learning everything. Learning the ways of 'old age' , the ways of 'elder' , the ways of 'society' and the ways one has to choose for oneself. Its a struggle. But that of a caterpillar who turns into beautiful butterfly. I hope it is that beautiful.

India v/s Pakistan

I have something to say about Today's match between India and Pakistan. Although after one day I have my exam , but I know this is the right moment to say what I feel so I would continue.

All I want to say is - Lets pray that India wins. But not that Pakistan loses. In the same way , though in different context , as we say being positive , that the cup is half full , and not half empty.

Most of the times , specially when the match is between India and Pakistan , we forget that its a game. Media misguides people and infuses unhealthy spirit of competition. We also this way increases extra pressure on the players.Ironically and unconsciously we are responsible for the poor performance of theirs. And later we accuse them for not performing well , when we are no one to do so unless we prove that we can play better than they have played.

It is inevitable that one team will lose and other will win. And if we lose , it will be due to errors on our part. But then its Just a game. If not this time , we will come back with more refined skills. Accusations can never help. And the right approach would be to encourage for tomorrow's performance than accuse for today's loss.

Treat Game as a game and not like War.And treat Pakistan just like any other country because any wrong idea you convey will come back to you with double force and even if it doesn't ,  the misguided vibes you throw , harm the grace of your own personality and peace of your mind.

India was always a land of monks and sadhus who believed in making a Balance between contrary emotions and will ever be this spirit inside us whether we recognize it or no. And sooner we recognize , better for us as both individuals and Indians. Whether India wins or loses in the match today , it will never lose its spirit to perform better, poise and humanitarian values. So cheers for the spirit and not the demonstration because later is a matter of moment which comes and goes , but the spirit is eternal which always flows...

For The Bluest Eye

Beauty was not something to behold , it was something one could do .

But to find out the truth about how dreams die , one should never take the word of the dreamer.

Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly , violent people love violently, weak people love weakly ,stupid people love stupidly, but the love of free man is never safe. There is no gift for the beloved. The lover alone possesses his gifts of love. The loved one is shorn , nuetralized frozen in the glare of the lover's inward eye.


These are the rose petals from a fine novel called The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. They are adequate to suggest how the novel is. Aren't they? They dig our psychology and bring out a truth from inside us . And this is what we expect from a good writer , to hold up a mirror to our life and mind also. 


The novel is actually a tragic poetry . And in her own phrase , "a patchwork quilt of reality". It is a maze and you must confuse yourself in order to not to lose the meaning.


Pecola , the ugliest girl among ugly Black people fancies to have blue eyes , thinking that it will make her beautiful.But author indicates at the end that none can make her beautiful than the will and efforts of her own self. She hallucinates herself and talks to that image as a friend,  feels happy about herself , now having blue eyes. But it is certainly not as tragic. What really a tragedy is that she gets pregnant by her own father. But to one's surprise narrative folds in such a manner that you are not at all surprised  by what has happened.


I finished the novel today and was eager to share it on FB . So I shared one quotable line from novel. And so came to discussion with one friend about how we felt after reading the novel . And this was my reply -


What makes me cry is ... we are not different from these characters ... our life is not different ... if they are pitiable so are we... if they are ugly so are we... if ... wat matters ... some people are born complicated and put in complicated situations ... others cant understand them ... what makes me feel awkward is that I wud have reacted / felt same way as they did , if put in that situation...
It was a tragedy ... with not the air of tragedy.

The book is psychologically true and technically beautiful. One can not miss one quotable line as there are many. Same about psychological truth. And technically speaking the novel is wonderful. It moves like soothing music. It is most sensuous prose work I have read. And it feels like amazing... 

I wont say I have understood the work completely . Sometimes less understanding is more understanding... as I think so :) 

We are the Free Birds....

We are the Free Birds ... humming the tune since I came back from a superb youth program , Jashn - e - Jaipur , an annual event of PJI (Pravah Jaipur Initiative) . It was a nice song , we are the free birds... though we are not (most of the times) but tab bhi maanane ko dil karta hai that WE ARE .

Till yesterday night I was in fuss whether to go for event or no but then I decided I shall go. However I could only attend two hour's program and so I reached at 3 o'clock. Well at that time the event was on its peak.Everyone was enthusiastic and room was filled with the applause sounds , cheering and clapping sounds. A band was playing and it was amazing. But I was much impressed by another group which presented Rap with classical ie Fusion. In this fusion one moment came when I was transported into another world. This was inspiring as words started flowing in my mind for its appreciation. One side Rap poetry on other Classical raga - does it not remind of life? - parallels in life? - balance in life? - fast and slow - shallow and deep - or more properly , Material and Spiritual. When both together played at high pitch room filled with a strange positive feeling. It was some what mysterious also. And it was so powerful.  I think like me many people in that room could feel strong power of music.

Along with music , through poems , dance and plays participants touched many social issues for example , Blood donation , discrimination , rehabilitation and so on  . And thus the day was dedicated to Creativity , Oh! I mean Life. :)

Congratulations Mr. Cole!

 Mr. Cole , about whom I read in today's The Hindu , reminds me of Van Gogh. Though  Van Gogh was a Dutch post- impressionist artist and Mr Cole was a Black photographer but one thing is common between them and that is - they both found a way to express themselves in the world.

Mr. Cole created a moving pictorial record of what it was like to be a black in apartheid South Africa. The largest retrospective of his work , once banned , is now on display in Johannesburg. The photos clicked by him seem to be the photos of an another world , an unfamiliar world. Someone like me can not imagine the horrible lives of these Black people. No I can not ! Living in a perfect world where all is well and beauty is not hard to find and where one can do what one wishes - at least most of the times - it is unbelievable that such horrible things exist in the world.

There is one photo he clicked  of gold-mine recruits, who had been lined up in a grimy room for a group examination, after sneaking his camera into the mine inside his lunch bag.  

And in another photo  a child is clutching to his board in a hottest day at unfurnished school .

The people who visited the museum said that the room was full of anger. A kid wondered how could white people do this to them. The photos are full of different emotions . They are so moving specially one in which a black maid is holding a white baby who is kissing her forehead and she says "“I love this child, though she’ll grow up to treat me just like her mother does.” A maid quoted by Ernest Cole in his caption for this picture." 

Sometimes I think there are so many things happening in the world and how much we know of it? Most of us like to live in an Ivory Tower , isolated from the world around us . Then people like Mr. Cole inspire us , open our eyes and make us realize that we cant sit idle when so many things ; good or bad , happening around us. The world is a part of our eternal journey and we have a significant role to play here. We must choose a medium to express ourselves honestly and so contribute in the world. People like Mr. Cole and Van Gogh did it now it is our turn .

Congratulations Mr. Cole!

Story of an undefeated Man : The Old Man and the Sea

“But man is not made for defeat.” …

“A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”

Santiago , the Old Man , is as grand in his hopes as any man can be. I have no right words for him nor for the great novella of Hemmingway - The Old Man and the Sea , they are beyond any petty description. But I can not be content without expressing either.  I have never read anything like this before. So simple , so natural , so true and so grand. It is a story of an old  fisherman ,  who is called by everyone unlucky as he couldn’t catch any fish for eighty-four days but he is resolute and he believes he will catch a big fish and finally he does. But cruel fate ! it intervenes his luck and destroys it . But certainly Old man is not defeated . His belief wins. He fights and fights more till his last hope is left and then … oh I must not reveal everything. The rest you shall find yourself.

Well , on one hand we have pessimists and those who believe man is all evil or in fact he is nothing . On the other hand , we have characters like Santiago who enjoys the notion that man is not made for defeat but he has reasons and if not reasons than beliefs. He says – “It is silly not to hope.” The Old man is poor and perhaps uneducated . That is why , I think his monologues are so innocent. In one such monologue he talks about sin –

“ Perhaps it was sin to kill the fish. … But then everything is a sin. Do not think about the sin . It is much too late for that and there are people who are paid to do it.”

Isn’t it everyman’s conflict? And like with every unthinkable ordinary man , the conflict is unresolved. Just after it in the next paragraph he talks about another interesting conflict which reminds me of Othello –

“You did not kill the fish only to keep alive and to sell for food , he thought. You killed him for pride and because you are a fisherman. You loved him when he was alive and you loved him after. If you love him , it is not a sin to kill him. Or is it more?”   

Othello loved Desdemona and killed her not because he hated her but because he loved her too much . And he killed her because he wanted to save her from eternal damnation as he thought she had gone on wrong path. Well , in the case of Santiago , see again , the conflict is unresolved ….

The novella is all full of hopes , all light and all glory. So powerful is the hope and belief of Santiago that he reminds me of Browning , who says – God is in his Heaven , and all is well with the world. Santiago says with no less hope –

“I have no luck anymore. But who knows? Maybe today. Everyday is a new day.”

How innocent and full of simplicity the lines are . Optimistic sentences are like Glucon-D they give instant energy. Due to this energy Santiago could survive all odds on the sea till three days. But its all about Santiago , how can we forget the boy , Manolin? The boy who believes Old man’s wildest dreams , who cares for him , who provides for him and who is always eager to learn from him perhaps because he is the only one who recognizes the strength of Old man . Their relation is very sweet . But it is strange also as the character of Old man himself. He knows this very well as he says – 

“ I am a strange old man.”

Santiago is indeed a strange old man who fights to keep his sanity in the most tough period of his struggle. But his strangeness is positive. His hopes save him. His resolution wins. The story’s universality lies in the fact that we are also on the verge of madness and more because our generation is Anti – Heroic and Lost one . Depression , frustration , suicidal attempts are so common today that I fear ten Santiagos will be less to infuse hope in us. But still we can look upto him and find some solace. He gives us a mantra , a very easy one , we can try that too –

Keep your head clear.

Look at the sentence – this ‘keep” here suggests you must constantly try and never leave hope. Just try to keep your sanity even though there are many struggles and conflicts even though they are not resolved even though you are destroyed but remember you can  never be defeated. Man is not made for defeat …

Waiting for Godot : My understanding of Beckett's play

There was a generation in mid twentieth century which realized – our existence is but an accident and our life has no purpose. We live but to die and both our living and dying is without meaning. Well “ nothing can be done” says Beckett in Waiting for Godot. The play was staged in London in 1955 and that time it said that we are doing nothing but uselessly “waiting” and passing the time since half past century. So , a century later , what should our generation feel? Well , generally I used to feel ‘good’ precisely ‘hopeful’ but after reading the play I felt ‘terrible’ as if someone has took off all my clothes , which I thought was my real skin and now I began feeling a pang in my heart for I wonder if all these years I was also ‘waiting’ (God’s grace) on the pillars of (faith) which is never going to come like Mr. Godot.

So the play has strength to shake your faith . But what gives it so much power? In my opinion , it does not talk much but it makes you feel what it wants to say. About setting the critics have said , the actions do take place once at everywhere and nowhere . About language , well , it becomes powerful because of brevity of expressions. I found one course of dialogue between two main characters – Vladimir and Estragon very impressive  - - -

(Estragon is eating a carrot) … Funny , the more you eat the worse it gets.

Vladimir – With me it’s just the opposite.

Estragon – In other words?

Vladimir – I get used to the muck as I go along.

 Estragon – Is that the opposite?

Vladimir – Question of temperament.

Estragon – Of character.

Vladimir – Nothing you can do about it.

Estragon – No use wriggling.

Vladimir – The essential doesn’t change.

Estragon- Nothing can be done.

So nothing can be done …  we are not essentially good or bad … we are what we make of ourselves … we are what we choose to believe.

One more speech moves me… to what I don’t know but it is impressive or at least you can make out some sense among senseless speeches – it is said by a slave , Lucky –

“ … God … loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell …”

At one point or other we all doubt whether God exists ? or if yes , does He love us ? And if yes , then why do we have to suffer ? Surely God has some reasons unknown to us. In the Shakespearean world there is always a gleam of light at the end of the tunnel and we feel ‘gods are just..’ but in our world , here we are not sure of anything not even of our own existence. Characters feel lonely in the play. They need others to make them feel that they exist.  Estragon says to Vladimir “ We always find something ,eh Didi , to give us the impression we exist?” . So many times Estragon fells asleep because like death it  gives some relief if not permanent at least temporary. Estragon again and again says "I can't go on like this" in this I find the best expression of the feelings of our generation . One feels at one point that s/he can’t go on like this because sometimes it is too much – too much of boredom , of purposelessness , of hopelessness, of helplessness and so on. It is one of the characteristics of the play that it gives you many levels of interpretations. 

The subtitle of the play is again very striking ,  which says – A tragicomedy in two acts. What is a life if not a blend of tragedy and comedy? And what is a true literature if it can not present the life as it is? But truly , I don’t know if the world of Waiting for Godot is really what I would like to call a true picture of life? Is there not a tragic sense prevailing upon comedy ? As they said , Beckett removed ‘s’ from the word ‘cosmic’ and it became ‘comic’ … a comic world without ‘s’ – spirit/soul. This comedy is just an attempt to forget tragic nonsense of life. I cant help quoting Hardy here – happiness is but an interval in the tragic course of life.

But let us not be disheartened . I had my enough doldrums since yesternight no more now. I will listen to Vladimir than Estragon who sounds more hopeful than later … as he says “Tomorrow everything will be better”.

Struggle Continued ...

Like a horn , day in & day out , the word rings in my ear " Struggle".

Struggle around , struggle inside ! Everyone is struggling for one or the other thing.

When I am not given attention , I struggle to get it. When I am given , I struggle not to be proud or forget the realities of life by indulging in it. So , Struggle again , in the form of contradiction.

I am astonished to realize how everyone is struggling at one time , both with "something internal" and "something external". It seems we all are fighting two battles together , with a pressure to win both or left in despair.

He always says, " why! dear struggle is a good sign. You will learn something out of it. " Oh yes! positively,  I will at least learn to live with them . Struggles like problems contain its own solution. Escaping from one kind of struggle means entering into another struggle. And believing that you can come out of them simply means YOU CAN - after just a little struggle to find out - How?

I wonder whose struggle is more painful and distressing , youth's or elder's? Well , stupid question ! Of course everyone find his own struggle more painful , isn't it? But as I am at the dawn of my twenties , I feel like a baby full of energy to play with "struggles" like a toy , experimenting with them as well as learning from those experiments .  Try it - not a bad idea - to play with your struggle ! Really !

Man can die but never be defeated , is the theme of the novel The Old man and The Sea . So,  definitely you will never be defeated if you try to fight with your Struggles. Honest Warriors are never defeated . You might die but not in vain - you will be remembered as a Martyr !

So , better Struggle be Continued and you be a Warrior !

Have some Good Sense Please !

 "Where is the Life we have lost in living?

 Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?

Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?" 

A message had been forwarded by  ( I don't know whom) but I am pretty sure it passed through many so called "intellectual" or at least "educated" hands , and the message reads as - "Pray for Ram Temple's right in Ayodhya .  Court will declare the judgement on 15th September , 2010. Spread this message like Fire - 'Jo Hindu Ram ka nahi wo kisi kaam ka nahi' " .

What a crap! What has happened to Indian youth? Those Youths who call their previous generation conservative and backward ? Are we now not showing our own backwardness ? Sitting in an arm-chair , A.C. , eating pizzas what we will know of deprived families , murdered husbands , raped sisters , wives and bloody massacre … its so easy to sympathize and not sympathize with the past age , but to imagine yourself in that situation – I am sure then  you would shudder at least once before forwarding such messages.

Who is Ram? And who is Allah? Our poor people have no such God . . What a poor has to do with it? Why a child labourer will care for it? Are they getting food or education if there will be a Ram temple ? Or a Muslim women will have all rights which she deserves , if there will be a mosque? We fight on trivial things such as a right of temple or mosque which is not even a true part of religion … but why don’t we fight for the cause of humanity – for poverty , for the right of education , for women empowerment? Has India left with no noble cause to fight for?   

Ours is surely a Lost Generation. The elders are in their cozy caves of lost tradition and we young people are fighting a blind battle… When I think of India - my poor country - where politics is a dirty and religion a blind game. And where Youth are just hopeless intellectuals ...I pray - May God give them some sense so that they  pray for Mother India striped off necessities rather than for a structure of bricks and sand.  

- Ojasi mehta 

From the specs of (English) , August !

Waoo! I have not wasted my last few days , I picked up an Indian novel , English , August by Upamanyu Chatteree and guess what ! I loved it like anything . I don't usually like Indian novels , firstly , because they seem to try to copy American or British style ; secondly , if they don't copy they don't show any depth or good story-line. But this one has Indianness plus a strange style which carries Indianness with it very well. What  all I mean is , it is funky , funny yet it has some original depth .

The narrator , Agstya , fashionably called by his friends August , has a very funny and weird way of viewing things. He is a modern - a representative of Lost Generation or as his father used to call - "A generation which doesn't apply hair-oil" . It is a post-colonial novel.The author goes ahead of all  modern Indian English novelists . He projects a world dominated by males . It is very shocking to see everything from the eyes of a  modern man - a man occupied with hard-drinks , marijuana , sex n alike. August is man without ambition.

About the motif , one which is very prominent is - The Gita and Krishna - Arjun. It appears whenever he is in distress and not able to accept things , carry on the fight or make a decision. One more striking thing is the Title - English , August  . It may indicates towards the Englishness of August i.e. Agstya who is not quite able to adapt  to his job which requires distinct Indianness.

The novel is very attractive for those who are on turning points of their life. Through out the novel August tries to adopt the life-style of an IAS but through out he feels he needs time ... Time to think about his life and himself as a traveler would think before choosing his way and I think its always better to think beforehand than turning back. At the end ....... ah! won't reveal the ending.

Well it was an interesting read. Enjoyed , obviously because it is full of young stuff - stimulating your own Ids - instincts. But finally shows you a good way , gives you  little wisdom not through dictating but subtly through hinting.

Now so much of outsiders ! I will have to begin my course studies. And it was good ending of my retreat. Thanks to the friend who lent me this novel.

सीता से लेकर आज तक ...

"लस्ट फॉर लाइफ " नोवेल ख़तम करने के बाद कल का दिन ऐसा था जब में पूरी तरह से विचारों में डूब गयी थी और कल कि रात जब मुझे कई विचित्र सपने आये. ये कल दिन में "लज्जा" जैसी फिल्म देखने का निताजा ही था जिसने मेरे दिमाग में सोये हुए विचारो के लिए एक तूफ़ान का काम किया था... 

फिल्म उद्योग ने  मुझे हमेशा से ही आकर्षित किया है. इस क्षेत्र के माध्यम से  असंभव रचनात्मकता लायी जा सकती है और  इसके माध्यम से समाज के विशाल समूह तक आसानी से अपनी बात भी पहुचाई जा सकती है. "लज्जा" इस दृष्टि से बहुत ख़ास फिल्म है. मुझे आश्चर्य हुआ ये सोच कर कि स्क्रिप्ट रायटर और डिरेक्टर ने कितनी बारीकियों को ध्यान में रखा और बिलकुल एक साहित्य  कि तरह समाज का दर्पण बना दिया इस  फिल्म को. फिल्म कि ख़ास बात थी कि इसमें कहानी भी थी  , शिक्षा भी थी और साथ ही साथ इसकी प्रस्तुति बेहद सुन्दर और रौचक थी. 

फिल्म में लगभग चार नायिकाए है  जिनमे मनीषा कोईराला ने मुख्य  भूमिका निभायी है, ध्यान देने वाली बात यह  है कि सभी नायिकाओं का नाम "सीता" का पर्याय है , जैसे - "वैदेही " , "मैत्रयी" , "रामदुलारी" , "जानकी"... इस तरह गौर करे तो आज के ज़माने में सभी औरते   जो सीता माता का ही एक रूप है आज के पुरुष समाज जो स्वयं को "मर्यादा पुरुषोत्तम राम" समझता है उसके सामने ये सवाल उठाती  है कि ---- " अगर सीता माता अशोक वाटिका में ही रावण कि बात मान लेती तो क्या राम और उनकी सेना युद्ध जीत पाते ... वो तो बिना युद्ध किये ही हार जाते... असल में तो सीता माता थी जिन्होंने रावन को अकेले ही अशोक वाटिका में हराया... और समाज ने उन्ही को चरित्रहीन घोषित कर दिया? क्यों? क्यों हर बार अग्नि परीक्षा औरत को ही देनी पड़ती है? उसे तो क्या उसकी सोच तक को बंद दिया जाता है...ऐसा  क्यूँ होता है ? ? ? "

 इतना ही नहीं फिल्म में बड़ी समझदारी से एक औरत से जुडी हर समस्या पर प्रकाश डाला गया है. किस तरह उसका "जन्म " एक अभिशाप माना  जाता है. जब एक बेटी के पैदा होने के बाद उसे उसके ही घरवाले बेरहमी से मार देना चाहते हैं तो "रामदुलारी" उन बेशर्मो से  पूछती है कि "अगर उनकी माँ के साथ भी यही हुआ होता तो वो लोग  कहाँ  से आते?"   

मैं जब दिन में यह फिल्म देख रही थी मेरा छोटा भाई स्कूल से आया शुरू में उसने चैनल बदलने कि कोशिश कि पर एक बार जब उसने फिल्म देखनी शुरू कि तो देखता ही रह गया , मुझसे भी ज्यादा मज़ा उसे आ रहा था और मज़े कि बात तो यह कि बीच के  गेप में हम दोनों में अच्छी  खासी चर्चा भी हो जाती . वो कहता कि आजकल तो इतना अत्याचार नहीं होता है औरतो पर . लेकिन इस फिल्म कि खासियत यही है कि इसमें वो चीज़े भी दिखाई है जो आज से दस साल पहले हुआ करती थी और अब बिलकुल न के बराबर होती है और वो बाते भी दिखाई है जो आज भी गावो में तो क्या शहरों  में सभ्य लोगो के बीच भी होती है जैसे - दहेज़. कहने कि आवश्यकता तो नहीं पर आज कल के लड़के सॉफ्टवेर इंजिनियर या सी . ए . होते हुए भी लड़की के माँ -बाप से पैसे लेते हुए नहीं शर्माते. और हम लडकियां तो बेवकूफ हैं जो ऐसे लडको का सपना देखती है जिनमे थोडा सा "आत्मा-सम्मान" बचा हो. खैर , फिल्म के सिर्फ चार दृश्य इतने ख़ास है जो कि चारो नायिकाओं के मुख्य डाइलोग हैं. 

मुझे लगता है ऐसी फिल्मो का बनना बहुत ज़रूरी है - ये समाज के लिए एक झटका है और सक्रीय लोगो के लिए एक सोचने का मुद्दा. हिंदी फिल्मो कि सबसे अच्छी बात यही है कि ये हमेशा अंत में  समस्या को सुलझाती है  और सच्चाई कि जीत दिखाती है. हमारी संस्कृति के अनुकूल ये सिखाती है कि हमें आशा नहीं छोड़नी चाहिए क्यूंकि एक दिन बदलाव ज़रूर आएगा और सच्चाई कि जीत अवश्य होगी - और मुझे लगता है कि ये विश्वास ही अपने आप में एक बहुत बड़ी जीत है आम इंसान के लिए.  

A Journey... with a voice !

Just few days back I finished a novel called , “Lust for Life” by Irving Stone and today I watched a documentary “Koi Sunta Hai”… a very similar thought between two is – you need to be in touch of grounds if you want to paint them or sing about them. Vincent lived in poverty like farmers his whole life so that he could catch the soul of them in his paintings and Kumar Gandharva tried to explore the truth which Kabir presented in his songs , in the regions where Kabir is still alive .

... Says Kabir , Only those are awaken , whose hearts are struck by the arrow of the Word…

Kumar gandharva , a classical singer , was such a man . He was attacked by Tuberculosis , but this was just the disease of body , he was some where also suffering from the disease of heart and soul and that was – Egotism. At the high point of his career , he started believing that he is the best singer but he realized soon what Kabir says is very true  –

The Swan will fly away alone ,

The Spectacle of this world , a carnival

Like a leaf falls from a tree,

And cant be found again,

Who knows where it will come to rest,

Blown away by a gust of wind.

(ud jaayega hans akela,

Jag darshan ka mela

Jaise paat gire taruwar ke,

Milna bahut duhela,

Na jaanu kidhar girega,

Lagyaa pawan ka rela…)

Kumar was also sent to Maalwa , Madhya Pradesh for fresh air . He was strictly instructed not to sing and thus five years flied away until the medicine was available in the market. In these five years he first realized futility of mundane things like money & fame and then he studied Nirgun songs of Kabir. He was the first man to introduce Kabir in classical singing. One friend of his says smilingly that he raised the Status of Kabir. Well , don’t know exactly about the status but Kumar’s singing of Kabir’s bhajans made Kabir popular among Urban people and his scope was widened. The movie is a search of moviemaker of Kabir but in her search of Kabir , she says , she had found many Kabirs . She found “everybody’s Kabir” among different people ,while some found Kabir’s truth ,some created their own Kabir.

In Kabir’s songs , many gems are scattered here and there and one such gem I found in the movie  which is reminded by a Thumari Singer , Vidhya Rai that Kabir says live life to the fullest , there is a diactomy in this that he discards mundane things like all senses yet he talks about them in his songs for example – he says the body is a beautiful instrument … She talks about “ras” and says “taste  ras of everyday life- whether you are washing clothes , waiting for bus , everything has its own ras… ” … Taste – because while you taste something you are mindful and conscious of its taste – you take its whole “ras” , same you should do with your life .

I see every one is fighting his own battle and I ask myself who will help them?  - - - They are all warriors , they can fight their own battle , just they don’t know & realize this yet. Many people say that go to Ganga , you will get rid of your sins , do this – do that – listen to him – meet her n blah blah … but Kabir says – Its only you who can teach yourself , who can find the right way , who can guide yourself … it’s the Self who is Superior. I know Kabir sometimes may mystify us and seems very difficult , but we can simplify him for us. The crux of this thought of Kabir is – Happiness lies within us & Hell and Heaven are the state of our own mind. If we are suffering from a disease of mind, heart or soul , the cure lies within us only - & only we can cure ourselves with true determination but for this – Knowledge of the disease is very necessary – and this knowledge comes along with knowledge of self - - - Who am I? Kabir focuses on the Knowledge of Self more because with this knowledge  only comes along the Knowledge of Truth & God…

No doubt for me, the movie proved one more important step in the direction of knowing Kabir , understanding his philosophy and learning through him otherwise at my age , its very difficult to learn that –

“Nothing is yours , Listen Oh my mind…

Yours Wealth , Yours Treasure ,

A dream of two days

(Koi nahi apna , samjhe mana…

man to daulat tera,  man khadina …

do din ka sapna  )”

I am afraid , what my mother learnt at the age of 55 , I have realized & understood at the age of 21 …now I have to see where my journey ends …  

एक सूरजमुखी आत्मा : विन्सेंट वान गोघ

विन्सेंट तुम इस तरह से दुनिया से क्यूँ गए ? क्यूँ तुम्हारा जाना ज़रूरी था?... तुम्हे पता नहीं?- तुम एक मुर्ख थे.. ओह विन्सेंट ! तुम सच में एक मुर्ख आत्मा थे ...एक प्यारे मुर्ख!... एक पागल!... तुम्हे ऐसा ही होना था... अगर तुम ऐसे नहीं होते तुम विन्सेंट महान चित्रकार कभी नहीं बन पाते. देल्क्रोआ ने ठीक कहा था की एक अच्छी आत्मा कुछ पागलपन लिए जरुर होती है... तुम एक अच्छी आत्मा थे विन्सेंट पर अफ़सोस ये बात पूंजीवादी समाज में कोई मायने नहीं रखती , तुम्हारा समय तुम्हारा सम्मान न कर सका... तुम्हें दर - दर की ठोकरें खानी पड़ी , पूरी ज़िन्दगी गरीबी और बिमारी में बिता दी...पर क्या तुम नहीं मानते दर्द ने ही तुम्हारे भीतर के कलाकार को जन्म दिया और पाला था...?

चित्रों के रंग संयोजन , रेखांकन .. आदि की समझ तो नहीं है फिर भी मैं कह सकती हूँ कि विन्सेंट एक महान कलाकार था... सिर्फ महान कलाकार ही नहीं एक महान और पवित्र आत्मा भी। हाँ मैं जानती हूँ कि वह कई बार वेश्यालय पर  भटका था , एक वेश्या को पत्नी का दर्जा दिया और कई लांछन झेले ... भारतीय सभ्य समाज में ऐसा इंसान निकृष्ट माना जा सकता है, पर मेरी नज़र में ऐसा इंसान उत्कृष्ट है क्यूंकि उसकी आत्मा पवित्र है, वो प्रेम की तलाश में भटका , हालांकि वो प्रेम में हमेशा बदनसीब ही रहा।

इरविंग स्टोन द्वारा लिखित उपन्यास "लस्ट फॉर लाइफ " जो कि विन्सेंट वान गोघ , डच पेंटर , की जीवनी पर आधारित है , पढने के बाद मुझे लगा मैं विन्सेंट की आत्मा में उतर चुकी हूँ... जैसे उसे मैंने अपने सामने चित्र बनाते हुए देखा हो... उससे भी बढ़कर उसका पागलपन मुझे उसकी ओर आकर्षित करता है.... कुछ तो था उसमें... और उसका असफल जीवन जब उसके मरने के बाद सफलता की चरम पर पंहुचा उसका जीवन सार्थक हो चुका था... वो जो काम करने आया था उसने किया--- उसने खुद को एक माध्यम चुन कर अभिव्यक्त कर दिया था।

क्या  मैंने विन्सेंट को पूरी तरह जान लिया है? क्या मुझे उससे प्यार हो गया है? नहीं, वो किसी नोवेल का चरित्र मात्र नहीं है, वह इतिहास की एक सच्चाई है, मुझे उससे प्यार नहीं हो सकता। मैं अब भी उसे मुर्ख मानती हूँ। वह मुझे एक  आइने - सा लगता है मैं खुद की हल्की परछाई इस आइने में देख सकती हूँ। विन्सेंट बेहद संवेदनशील और प्रकृतिप्रेमी था। मुझे विश्वास है जब वह सुबह उगते सूरज को दूर पहाड़ी के पीछे से झांकता हुआ देखता होगा... उसकी आत्मा शरीर के बाहर कूद कर आना चाहती होगी ... हरियाली और बहती हुई नदी उससे बातें किया करते होंगे... सूरजमुखी का शानदार चित्र वह तभी बना सका होगा जब उन्हें देख कर उसके भीतर भी एक सूरजमुखी उगा होगा... काली रात की चादर पर कई तारे बिखेरने में उसने अपने दर्द में से सपनों को छाना  होगा। सच! कैसा महसूस होता होगा उसे प्रकृति की गोद में, शायद वह भी उन्हें शब्दों में नहीं बता सकता था।

विन्सेंट के चित्र देखने लायक हैं और उसका जीवन पढने लायक। जितनी उसकी पेंटिंग्स दिल को छूती हैं, उतना उसका जीवन आत्मा के भीतर उतर जाता है। वह दुनिया का हीरो नहीं था, वह दुनिया से हारा था.. नहीं ! दुनिया ने उसे हारा था... बोरिनाज़ के जिन मजदूरों की सेवा उसने की उन्होंने उसे नाम दिया था - जीसस  क्राइस्ट। पर  क्या वह जीसस क्राइस्ट था जबकि उसने आत्मा के आनंद को धर्म से ऊपर रखा था। और ये रास्ता कोई बुरा नहीं है ... आखिर हर किसी को अपना रास्ता स्वयं चुनना होता है विन्सेंट ने वो रास्ता चुना कई मुश्किलों के बाद भी उस पर टिका रहा...और अंत में .... अंत में.... वह जीत गया। हाँ विन्सेंट का जीवन सार्थक हुआ उसने स्वयं को पा लिया.... स्वयं को खोने के बाद।

- ओजसी मेहता 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This is my first ever article to be published in any magazine. As after many days I opened the magazine & read it again , I felt like putting it up here so that Some Friends around me who are obsessed with their body image should read this. :)

Published in Srijan - A new Vision (A magazine of Women Studies Centre) ; 2008-2009 , Banasthali University

Body Dysmorphic Disorder -

Can you imagine a girl asking again & again about her face and looks? Oh! I know that makes her a girl but do you know it can also mean that she is suffering from BDD- Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Those who suffer from this disease are always preoccupied with their beauty or body image.

Beware if you look in a mirror for a long time analyzing your face and body because you can be a patient of BDD, if a slight defect on your face like the size of your nose or a scar left after a pimple disturbs you a lot and you constantly ask for reassurance even though the defect is not too obvious , you might be suffering from BDD.

My sister has given up all her happiness because of her pimples , she would call me up , cry and refuse to go anywhere outside . Same is the case with my friend Shalini who would shut her up in a room because she thinks her color is too dark and everybody would make fun of her. Psychologists believe that a negative body image is related to low self-esteem.

Doctors believe that this disorder is largely seen in adolescents and teenagers . Although it can happen to both girls and boys, usually girls are seen more affected by this. Those who have done simple or multiple reconstructive surgeries are also known to suffer from BDD.

Feminists claim that the media creates a particular beauty image and thus throws negative impact upon common people. Media is also responsible for encouraging people to go for cosmetic products and surgeries. People are also being attracted towards outer beauty because beauty products and cosmetic surgeries are advertised so much and they are easily available to them.

Everything has its pros & cons . Cosmetic surgery has also its bad and good effects but one should always keep in mind its bad effects before going for it. Well, Athena Paul has said it rightly in her book Girlosophy , " Rather than make up your face , make up your mind". Your universe is a reflective image of your mind. So keep beautiful things there and your world automatically become beautiful. "Real natural beauty never goes out of fashion." also says Athena Paul. Beauty's life span is very short but real inner virtues last long.

Beauty is just an idea and not an object itself. So just don;t worry if you are not beautiful according to people's mind set because your happiness is not dependent upon other people but on your own idea.
Remember only one thing - just believe that you are really superb , unique and God's special child and many people love you and need you not because of your looks but because of your virtues. And yes , never forget to wear a smile - a free of cost expression , better than thousand cosmetic products.

-Ojasi mehta

Biniding Love- Beyond Boundries

The hot summer afternoon of 9th April , a small room laced with a shelf of books and "gaddas" on floor and walls occupied with several colorful posters , a tv and dvd player and 10-15 curious young people - it was the office of Pravah Jaipur Initiative and we all were called up there for a movie screening - a documentary movie on Kabir. Everybody was chatting in low voices , I was sitting quietly as I was new at this place and knew no one particularly. I was quite excited about the movie but was afraid too as it could turn out very boring but I was wondering what others are talking about and not until the movie finished and some people confessed , I got to know they were also anticipating that movie would spoil their precious summer afternoon sleep. But guess what? After watching movie , everyone was in an ecstatic state , upon being asked the experience of movie , no one even could express the joy in words.

The movie was- Had Anhad , made by Shabnam Virmani under a kabir Project. It begins with a question - "Where I will find Ram?" And the first landscape is that of Ayodhya - Ram janm bhumi... but does she find Ram there? Some shopkeepers are interviewed by her and it is very realistic  to see that what people actually think about Babri Masjid Case. It is a war between Ego and Belief. A war on God's name - to find God or save God- but does God reside in temple or masjid? God would be pleased by such wars? Such questions take her from Ayodhya to Madhya Pradesh to Rajasthan and finally Pakistan. Through Kabir she tries to find all these answers . She meets different people in her journey who are either local singers (folk singers) of Kabir or related to Kabir in one or the other way. Finally  she goes to Pakistan where she feels most closest to Kabir and his philosophy.

Who is Kabir by the way ? - An incarnation of Vishnu ? A fakir or saint? A poet of Bhakti movement? A revolutionary man?  Why not go back and see him first as a man... but something definitely makes him different from an ordinary man and that's his knowledge of Self .

Had-Had Karke Sab Gaye,

Per Behad Gayo Na Koi.

Kabir had crossed the limits between Soul n Bramha. There is one fine example in movie to describe Kabir's position that one who is in ship says- "Shore is coming" , One who is on the shore says - "Land is coming" but for one who is above both , no one is coming and no one is going - Kabir was like this. 

When one knows himself , his own soul , from this knowledge one can embark on the journey of "search of God". And why kabir is relevant today? There are various reasons like his dohas and songs contain the eternal knowledge about  "soul" , "god", "life", "love" but the most prominent voice of his dohas and songs are - "Humanitarian" which today in the world threatened by terrorism , existentialism , depression and loss of faith on God, we need to understand badly. He teaches us to see everyone as human and worship one God whom he called "Ram" - his Ram is not Dashrath's son Ram , an incarnation of Vishnu but his Ram lives in everyone's heart and if we love everyone , we are worshiping God. 

Sakal Hans Mein Ram Viraje,

Ram Bina Koi Dham Nahi.

Ram resides in every soul,

There is no abode without Ram.

Through the screening of this movie , Pravah whose motto is - "Me to We" and whose Focus is on both "self" and "society" , tries to help us to see "what we are" , "who we are" , and "What we can do for our society and humanity?" 

- Ojasi Mehta